Did you know that Kristen Stewart (plays Bella in the Twilight series) actually tried out for the Three Little Pigs. Yes, the 'most hated woman in Hollywood' as reported by the Sun (true story) felt that she could do the part of the third pig justice; however, the casting crew decided to go with someone else... they felt Kristen just didn't quite fit the character. See below for details:
Once upon a time, there was an old sow with three little pigs. As she had not enough to keep them, she sent them out to seek their fortune.
The first pig met a man with a bundle of straw and said to him, "Please, Man, may I have some straw to build a house?" The man gave him some straw and the first pig built a house of straw.
One day, the Big, Bad Wolf came by, knocked on the first pig's door and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
"Not by the hair on my chiny chin chin," replied the first pig.
The wolf answered, "Well, then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in." So the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew his house in and he ate up the first little pig.
The second pig met a man with a bundle of sticks and said to him, "Please, Man, may I have some sticks to build a house?" The man gave him some sticks and the second pig built a house of sticks.
One day, the Big, Bad Wolf came by, knocked on the second pig's door and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
"Not by the hair on my chiny chin chin," replied the second pig.
The wolf answered, "Well, then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in." So the wolf huffed and he puffed and he huffed and he puffed and he blew his house in and he ate up the second little pig.
The third little pig (played by Kristen Stewart) met a man with a load of bricks. "You know, I punched a werewolf in the face before," she said to the man with a stoic look on her face. When he looked at her scared, she continued, "Just give me the damn bricks." The man handed over the bricks and the third little pig was on her way. She built her house out of the bricks.
One day, the Big, Bad Wolf came, as he had with the other pigs, and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
The third little pig went to the door and looked through the peephole. "So you're a werewolf?" she asked, fist poised.
"No, not a werewolf, just a normal wolf. Now let me in!"
"You're not the first monster I've met, you know," her stoic face replied.
The wolf, frustrated by how long this was taking decided to just blow her house down. So he huffed and he puffed and he huffed and he puffed and he huffed and he puffed... but he couldn't blow her house down. It was just too strong.
Angry and starving, the wolf knocked on the front door even harder. "Little pig, little pig, let me come in! Either you unlock this door, or I'll climb down the chimney!"
"Please don't make me choose!" the third little pig responded, her voice slightly elevated, but her face remaining stoic.
The wolf was now enraged. How could one little pig cause so much difficulty?! He climbed to the top of the house and hopped in to the chimney. He slid down and landed in a hot bowl of soup the third pig had been cooking.
"Ouch!!!!" he yelled in pain.
The third little pig looked at the wolf very intently, watching him squirm from the heat of the fire as his fur was scorched and the smell of burnt hair filled the brick house. "Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?" she gave a hint of a smile to the wolf.
The third little pig couldn't believe it. Was she really falling in love with a wolf, something that could kill her in one bite?!
"Um, hello, I'm dying here. I'm being burnt alive. You know you'll never get into pig heaven if you kill me!"
"If this is about my soul, take it! I don't want it without you!" the pig exclaimed (face stoic as ever) as she hopped into the boiling cauldron, becoming hot and steamy with the wolf as they each cooked into eternity.
It's a tragedy really; She could have brought a lot to this story. But then again, she probably didn't get the part because she cheated on Rob. Is anyone ever going to want to watch her in anything ever again?! The Three Little Pigs directors sure don't think so. All I have to say about this is Rob doesn't deserve that. I would never do that to him.
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Update: A Day in the Life
Many of you may remember the bathroom scandal mentioned in my previous post wherein our newly renovated bathroom stall had a rather revealing flaw. Yes, I'm talking about the crack where the stall wall meets the real wall that revealed your neighbor's rump if you were to take a peek. Well, I'm am happy to report that the problem has been fixed. Yes, where there once was a crack, there is now a lovely strip of blue painter's tape covering it up, keeping us from baring all to each other. I must say, after paying all of that money to have the bathroom renovated in the nice red and cream color scheme, I'm glad they footed the extra 30 cents for that blue accent strip. It really brightens the place up. I can now relieve myself in the peace and privacy of my own stall!
Hocus Pocus and All that Jazz
So, this weekend I discovered that I am actually a witch. I'm just now learning how to use my powers to perform an attraction spell which will make two very hot guys fall in love with me which will then leave me with the difficult decision of "which one should I pick?"
Ok, so that's not exactly true. Or really at all. But after watching the entire first season of The Secret Circle in a matter of about four days, you shouldn't be surprised if you see me uttering words in another language under my breath and things magically start levitating or lights magically come on. I mean, it's practically become my reality.
I blame Justin LaValle for this. It's all YOUR fault, Justin! I was doing just fine until he came along with his helpful recommendations of which shows I should become hooked on. But watching this show about witches got me thinking... when did vampires and werewolves and witches become so popular? Sure they've been around for a long time (in stories... I'm not actually delusional enough to believe that they actually exist... at least not in America), but I remember kids getting made fun of growing up for playing "Dungeons and Dragons". Since when did all that 'dark world' stuff become so main stream. The funny thing is it's so addicting.
Twilight began on a Saturday night at 10 pm. I was alone upstairs looking for a movie to watch, while Jake and his buds were downstairs praying to the Xbox NHL gods... in very loud curse words. I decided that this night was a good night to see what all the vampire hype was about since I knew I'd never convince Jake to watch it with me. So I began the first movie which we had recorded on TiVo. Little did I know, 6 hours later, Jake would come upstairs to find me drooling at a still frame of Taylor Lautner's abs. I'd watched the first three movies (all that had come out at the time) and had even resorted to desperate measures to find the second and third ones to stream online. I needed to see what happened....
Eventually, I convinced Jake to watch the series again with me (the next weekend, I'm pretty sure). After that, I read all the books and then watched the series again.And I was still thirsting for more... so we started watching the Vampire Diaries on Netflix, which for those of you who haven't seen it, is Twilight in tv form. Quite literally. As if the vampire-werewolf-girl-torn-between-them love triangle from Twlight hadn't been painful enough, the Vampire Diaries' love triangle involves two vampire brothers and a normal girl who can't decide between the good and the bad brother. My obsession with this show lead to a "sick day" at work in which I came home and proceeeded to watch a whole season of VD on Netflix.
I don't know what it is about all of this mythology stuff, but it's very intriguing. And combined with a thrilling plotline, you'll be begging for more. And you'll be able to find it because this stuff is all over the place. It seems like every show I go to watch has some kind of mythology built into it. Next thing we know, we'll be watching a show about hunting Sasquatch...
Oh, wait! That already exists.
But I wonder what it is about all these shows like this that has the audience so captivated. Is it really the mythology or is it simply the love triangle thing. Because all three of the above mentioned have it... The girl torn between 2 guys, one that's good for her and one that's mysterious and a little bit dangerous. Can we as a group of author's really not break out of this simple formula? Do we really have no other ideas for an intriguing storyline?
Oh! I've just thought of a 'novel' idea. Maybe my next book will be built about the following premise... so there's this guy. And then there are these two girls. One of them is your girl next door type... perfect for him in every way. And then there's this other girl... your typical badass type. And he loves them both, but he can't decide... But wait, that wouldn't work. Who am I kidding? The girls would never wait around, grovelling like the boys in the above-mentioned plotlines. What am I thinking? Guess, I'll stick with the traditional love triangle model.
But I've decided, next time I decide to start a new series that has some kind of witch, werewolf or vampire in it, I'm going to hire someone to sing the national anthem beforehand. Maybe Evanescence. A nice, haunting version of our nation's lullaby. Because an event of this magnitude should be commenced in such a way. And shortly thereafter, I will slowly fall into my engulfed, vegetative state and pray to the mythological gods that, whoever the new guy is, he has abs like Taylor Lautner.
Ok, so that's not exactly true. Or really at all. But after watching the entire first season of The Secret Circle in a matter of about four days, you shouldn't be surprised if you see me uttering words in another language under my breath and things magically start levitating or lights magically come on. I mean, it's practically become my reality.
I blame Justin LaValle for this. It's all YOUR fault, Justin! I was doing just fine until he came along with his helpful recommendations of which shows I should become hooked on. But watching this show about witches got me thinking... when did vampires and werewolves and witches become so popular? Sure they've been around for a long time (in stories... I'm not actually delusional enough to believe that they actually exist... at least not in America), but I remember kids getting made fun of growing up for playing "Dungeons and Dragons". Since when did all that 'dark world' stuff become so main stream. The funny thing is it's so addicting.
Twilight began on a Saturday night at 10 pm. I was alone upstairs looking for a movie to watch, while Jake and his buds were downstairs praying to the Xbox NHL gods... in very loud curse words. I decided that this night was a good night to see what all the vampire hype was about since I knew I'd never convince Jake to watch it with me. So I began the first movie which we had recorded on TiVo. Little did I know, 6 hours later, Jake would come upstairs to find me drooling at a still frame of Taylor Lautner's abs. I'd watched the first three movies (all that had come out at the time) and had even resorted to desperate measures to find the second and third ones to stream online. I needed to see what happened....
Eventually, I convinced Jake to watch the series again with me (the next weekend, I'm pretty sure). After that, I read all the books and then watched the series again.And I was still thirsting for more... so we started watching the Vampire Diaries on Netflix, which for those of you who haven't seen it, is Twilight in tv form. Quite literally. As if the vampire-werewolf-girl-torn-between-them love triangle from Twlight hadn't been painful enough, the Vampire Diaries' love triangle involves two vampire brothers and a normal girl who can't decide between the good and the bad brother. My obsession with this show lead to a "sick day" at work in which I came home and proceeeded to watch a whole season of VD on Netflix.
I don't know what it is about all of this mythology stuff, but it's very intriguing. And combined with a thrilling plotline, you'll be begging for more. And you'll be able to find it because this stuff is all over the place. It seems like every show I go to watch has some kind of mythology built into it. Next thing we know, we'll be watching a show about hunting Sasquatch...
Oh, wait! That already exists.
But I wonder what it is about all these shows like this that has the audience so captivated. Is it really the mythology or is it simply the love triangle thing. Because all three of the above mentioned have it... The girl torn between 2 guys, one that's good for her and one that's mysterious and a little bit dangerous. Can we as a group of author's really not break out of this simple formula? Do we really have no other ideas for an intriguing storyline?
Oh! I've just thought of a 'novel' idea. Maybe my next book will be built about the following premise... so there's this guy. And then there are these two girls. One of them is your girl next door type... perfect for him in every way. And then there's this other girl... your typical badass type. And he loves them both, but he can't decide... But wait, that wouldn't work. Who am I kidding? The girls would never wait around, grovelling like the boys in the above-mentioned plotlines. What am I thinking? Guess, I'll stick with the traditional love triangle model.
But I've decided, next time I decide to start a new series that has some kind of witch, werewolf or vampire in it, I'm going to hire someone to sing the national anthem beforehand. Maybe Evanescence. A nice, haunting version of our nation's lullaby. Because an event of this magnitude should be commenced in such a way. And shortly thereafter, I will slowly fall into my engulfed, vegetative state and pray to the mythological gods that, whoever the new guy is, he has abs like Taylor Lautner.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Why you shouldn't buy things in stores
There are three kinds of people in the world:
1. Those who appreciate greatness.
2. Those who are inspired by greatness.
3. Those who don't recognize greatness. Of any kind. Ever.
First let me address group number one. These are the people who see something great and want one of their own. Your "right brains", so to speak. They know greatness when they see it. Often times they are willing to pay great amounts of money for this so-called "greatness". i.e. Apple consumers (I'm not hating... just saying).
And then of course, you've got the third group, those who couldn't recognize greatness if it stabbed them in the face with a fork and tried to eat them. These people are boring, so why talk about them?
And finally, there's the second group, the one of course that I fall into ***bats eyelashes***, the best group, which shall henceforth be known as "The Inspireds". Let me tell you why the Inspireds are the best group: When I see something great, rarely do I want to have that exact item. Usually, I want to make one of my own. And so do the rest of the Inspireds. Thus, we get YouTube, America. The Inspireds are not satisfied with greatness as is. No, we want more! We must create our own greatness. We want to make greatness better. We want... Greater Greatness!!!
Exhibit A: Charlie Bit Me
We've all seen it... numerous times (admit it already, you love it!... and if you by some account you live on a planet in which you have not been exposed to this greatness, here it is.). This video was probably created by a member of Group One... they shot the video and thought, "This is perfect. I'll post it just like this." Then, along came an Inspired. He watched it and thought to himself, "That's pretty good, but you know what... it could be better!" After days and days of sleepless nights and circling thoughts and several focus groups, the Inspired came up with a piece of Greater Greatness... Click Me!
Exhibit B: Taylor Swift's I Knew You Were Trouble
Here (start at 2:02) is a perfectly awesome (awesome awesome awesome) song. But I would never venture to say that Taylor Swift is a Group One member. I mean, this girl finds inspiration in everything from breaking up with her boyfriend to making up with her boyfriend. She definitely is an Inspired. But that's the thing about us Inspireds, making Greater Greatness isn't always enough for us. Sometimes, an Inspired makes Greater Greatness which inspires another Inspired to make even greater Greater Greatness. It's a never ending cycle of inspiration and new versions of the same thing. Here are two examples of Even Greater Greater Greatness. #1 and #2
But the Inspireds are inspired by greatness in many other places besides YouTube. For example...
Exhibit C: Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Series
Now, I know this series takes a lot of flak, but seriously, it's awesome! I never would have read a book about vampires a few years ago. (In fact, I had a friend named Gina who tried over and over again to get me to read it to no avail.) But one night, I was sitting home alone and I found myself watching the first Twilight movie and from there I was sucked in. (Ha! Get it!) They're fantastic. Now a Group One member would read the series and say, "Yes, that was great. I would like to read it again." A Group Three member wouldn't give a damn about anything. But an Inspired, they would take it to a whole new level, which is exactly what this girl did... click here
See, I've been trying to tell you, we Inspireds bring a lot to the table. Can you even imagine what life would be like without us?!
And you know what else can be attributed to us Inspireds? The competitive, Capitalistic, American way. That's right. The Inspireds are the reason America thrives. You see, when Henry Ford invented the automobile, if everyone had been Group One members, they would have all said, "Sweet! I want one just like that. You have achieved pure greatness, Mr. Ford." And we would still all be driving model t's around. But that's not what happened. Instead, a bunch of Inspireds came around and created their own versions and now it takes a year's worth of time and research and energy to pick out which car you would like to buy. You're welcome, world.
And take American Idol as another example. What was a seemingly great show at first, has now spawned practically it's own genre of tv shows. Simon Cowell looked over at his fellow judges to his right and said to himself, "You know, these people are great, but I can do better," and X Factor was born. And so was The Voice and Duets and Crossroads, etc. etc. etc. You see, everyone wants their piece of the fiscal pie. Everyone wants to prove that they can do it to, and that their version will be even better than yours. That's what we Inspireds bring to the table.
Do you remember the 2011 Superbowl National Anthem? Oh, don't lie, it's the one you lost $5 bucks on because you bet that Christina would hold out the last note for more than 30 seconds. And why did you bet that she would hold out that note for more than 30 seconds? Because you knew she'd be trying to outdo the person who sang it every year before her. Because she's an Inspired. And Inspireds strive for Even Greater Greater Greatness.
So the next time you go to a store and see a painting that you think is perfect, or hear a song on the radio that you like, or even watch a movie that you want to buy, Don't! Stop! Think! Ask... not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country. Maybe you, yes even YOU, could become and Inspired. Group Three is dull and pointless, Group One is fine, but it's the Inspireds that make this country what it is, teen heartthrobs, YouTube junkies and all. So don't buy that painting; paint your own version. Record your own song. Or make your own movie... (just as long as it's not a documentary about turning your boyfriend into a vampire).
1. Those who appreciate greatness.
2. Those who are inspired by greatness.
3. Those who don't recognize greatness. Of any kind. Ever.
First let me address group number one. These are the people who see something great and want one of their own. Your "right brains", so to speak. They know greatness when they see it. Often times they are willing to pay great amounts of money for this so-called "greatness". i.e. Apple consumers (I'm not hating... just saying).
And then of course, you've got the third group, those who couldn't recognize greatness if it stabbed them in the face with a fork and tried to eat them. These people are boring, so why talk about them?
And finally, there's the second group, the one of course that I fall into ***bats eyelashes***, the best group, which shall henceforth be known as "The Inspireds". Let me tell you why the Inspireds are the best group: When I see something great, rarely do I want to have that exact item. Usually, I want to make one of my own. And so do the rest of the Inspireds. Thus, we get YouTube, America. The Inspireds are not satisfied with greatness as is. No, we want more! We must create our own greatness. We want to make greatness better. We want... Greater Greatness!!!
Exhibit A: Charlie Bit Me
We've all seen it... numerous times (admit it already, you love it!... and if you by some account you live on a planet in which you have not been exposed to this greatness, here it is.). This video was probably created by a member of Group One... they shot the video and thought, "This is perfect. I'll post it just like this." Then, along came an Inspired. He watched it and thought to himself, "That's pretty good, but you know what... it could be better!" After days and days of sleepless nights and circling thoughts and several focus groups, the Inspired came up with a piece of Greater Greatness... Click Me!
Exhibit B: Taylor Swift's I Knew You Were Trouble
Here (start at 2:02) is a perfectly awesome (awesome awesome awesome) song. But I would never venture to say that Taylor Swift is a Group One member. I mean, this girl finds inspiration in everything from breaking up with her boyfriend to making up with her boyfriend. She definitely is an Inspired. But that's the thing about us Inspireds, making Greater Greatness isn't always enough for us. Sometimes, an Inspired makes Greater Greatness which inspires another Inspired to make even greater Greater Greatness. It's a never ending cycle of inspiration and new versions of the same thing. Here are two examples of Even Greater Greater Greatness. #1 and #2
But the Inspireds are inspired by greatness in many other places besides YouTube. For example...
Exhibit C: Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Series
Now, I know this series takes a lot of flak, but seriously, it's awesome! I never would have read a book about vampires a few years ago. (In fact, I had a friend named Gina who tried over and over again to get me to read it to no avail.) But one night, I was sitting home alone and I found myself watching the first Twilight movie and from there I was sucked in. (Ha! Get it!) They're fantastic. Now a Group One member would read the series and say, "Yes, that was great. I would like to read it again." A Group Three member wouldn't give a damn about anything. But an Inspired, they would take it to a whole new level, which is exactly what this girl did... click here
See, I've been trying to tell you, we Inspireds bring a lot to the table. Can you even imagine what life would be like without us?!
And you know what else can be attributed to us Inspireds? The competitive, Capitalistic, American way. That's right. The Inspireds are the reason America thrives. You see, when Henry Ford invented the automobile, if everyone had been Group One members, they would have all said, "Sweet! I want one just like that. You have achieved pure greatness, Mr. Ford." And we would still all be driving model t's around. But that's not what happened. Instead, a bunch of Inspireds came around and created their own versions and now it takes a year's worth of time and research and energy to pick out which car you would like to buy. You're welcome, world.
And take American Idol as another example. What was a seemingly great show at first, has now spawned practically it's own genre of tv shows. Simon Cowell looked over at his fellow judges to his right and said to himself, "You know, these people are great, but I can do better," and X Factor was born. And so was The Voice and Duets and Crossroads, etc. etc. etc. You see, everyone wants their piece of the fiscal pie. Everyone wants to prove that they can do it to, and that their version will be even better than yours. That's what we Inspireds bring to the table.
Do you remember the 2011 Superbowl National Anthem? Oh, don't lie, it's the one you lost $5 bucks on because you bet that Christina would hold out the last note for more than 30 seconds. And why did you bet that she would hold out that note for more than 30 seconds? Because you knew she'd be trying to outdo the person who sang it every year before her. Because she's an Inspired. And Inspireds strive for Even Greater Greater Greatness.
So the next time you go to a store and see a painting that you think is perfect, or hear a song on the radio that you like, or even watch a movie that you want to buy, Don't! Stop! Think! Ask... not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country. Maybe you, yes even YOU, could become and Inspired. Group Three is dull and pointless, Group One is fine, but it's the Inspireds that make this country what it is, teen heartthrobs, YouTube junkies and all. So don't buy that painting; paint your own version. Record your own song. Or make your own movie... (just as long as it's not a documentary about turning your boyfriend into a vampire).
Friday, January 4, 2013
A Day in the Life
So, what does Cara do at her job? This is a question I get quite often. And it's not really the easiest question to answer. First of all, I get confused trying to respond about myself in the 3rd person and on top of that I'm always at different sites and always doing different things. It's rare for one day to look like the day before it. So I figured, the easiest way to answer that is to walk you through one of my days. This is a real day that happened this week:
Normally, upon arrival at work at this site in particular, my first duty is to turn on the tvs to a certain national news station. This is very important! If I don't do this, 96% of the employees who walk through the door in the morning won't have anything to roll their eyes at or complain about. Of course, there are always going to be the 4% who can still find something to complain about, regardless of whether or not politcal debates are being broadcast throughout the lobby. Props to you guys!
On this particular day, the biggest news headline was about Hilary Clinton having a blood clot. I'm so glad it was, too, because how else would I have known about the personal health status of the Secretary of State?! This is vital information here, people! I need to know what to write on her Get Well Soon card. And luckily, since there were updates approximately every five minutes, every employee who walked through the door was well informed of the severity, or lackthereof, of Mrs. Clinton's clot. Unfortunately, I only sit at the desk for the first hour and fifteen minutes of my day, so after 9am, I had no idea what was going on inside Hilary's veins.
After that thrilling hour and fifteen minutes, during which I had worked up a thirst and therefore, finished my entire water bottle, I had to go to the bathroom. Now, the bathrooms at this site had just been newly renovated. This was the first time that I had entered them since the facelift. When I opened the door, I was... surprised. It looked exactly the same except for 2 things:
1. The wall paper was different.
2. The stall doors had been moved about a foot closer to the front of the toilets, leaving acres of space in the hallway outside of the stalls.
I'm actually quite thankful for the renovation; it renewed my fitness committment. Because as soon as I walked in the stall, I slid my legs into the cramped space between the sidewall and the toilet and swung the stall door closed, watching in anticipation to see if the door would actually touch the toilet, and I realized that if I don't keep working out and staying slim, I won't be able to use the restroom at work. I literally will not fit in the stall if I get any bigger! I mean seriously, these things are tiny. As I sat on the pot, doing my duty, I measured the distance between my knees and the door... 3 inches!!! I mean, I think this is a lawsuit waiting to happen. How are tall people going to survive the workday?!
And as if that wasn't bad enough already, I looked over my right shoulder and noticed a giant space between the real wall and the stall wall. If someone had been sitting on the throne next to me, there would have been a full moon for each of us! I mean, really?! What's the point of confining us to the fetal position in a stall the size of a mother's womb if we can see each other's cracks through the cracks anyways?! Why not just tear down all the walls and let us spread out as we answer nature's call?
The next step of my day involved going around to all of the printers in the building and making sure they were stocked, cleared of any paper jams, etc. As I was doing this, I couldn't help but notice, as I do every time I do this, that each printer has a tray next to it with a note that reads, "Take your prints. You have until the end of the day." It's very apparent to me that when someone finds a copy on the printer, they place it in that bin and if no one comes to claim it by the end of the day, then it gets thrown away. But then I got to thinking... do they really hire someone to go around and enforce that? I mean, who's really going to go around and check?! Is there really nothing more important to be worrying about than if "lost" papers are "found" by the end of the day? And judging from the piles in the trays, no on does. Looking back at the dates, there are papers in there from months ago. So then I'm thinking, what kind of a company makes empty threats like that? I mean, if you imply that you're going to throw unclaimed papers away at the end of the day, and then you don't, what kind of a message are you sending to your employees? Don't expect your employees to recycle or wash their hands after they use the bathroom
And I've got another beef with the company owners while I'm at it... what kind of people are you hiring. I mean, obviously the purpose to the paper tray is pretty self-explanatory, but apparently not for your employees. Noooooo, you're employees like to shuffle the papers up and flip them around and lay them out on the table in front of the tray as if they are making a mosaic. What kind of a company hires people who don't know how to use a paper tray?! I tell you, I'm really worried about this company.
But anyways, so after that, then I wait for the accountable packages to be delivered. Now, once the pacakges are delivered to me, I write down the tracking information and deliver them to the appropriate person. If someone is out, I store the packages in the cubical next door that also couples as our storage closet. So keep in mind, this is a cubicle... about the size of 2 bathroom stalls... well 3 if you count the ones in our bathroom. So over the past couple of weeks, we've accumulated a lot of packages, it being the Holdiay Season and all and everyone's taking vacation days. So our storage closet Is pretty much jam packed. I mean, if I need to get to something other than the first box, it's a real life 3d puzzle. Seriously, I should get college credit for this stuff.
Well, anyways, on this day, we get 3 32" tvs. So I go to the IT guys and ask them what they want me to do with it... well, the guy who ordered them is out for the day... and they don't have any room to store it on their entire floor the size of Alaska. So where do the boxes end up?! Yup, there's little old me trying to hurl these boxes that are bigger than me up on top of Mt. Everest in our neighboring cubical. So that was fun. I closed the cubicle door as quickly as I could before I was crushed by the avalanche and had to deal with the hassles of filing for workers comp.
Finally, I was going around at the end of the day, turning off all of the ever-so-important tvs, and I couldn't help but notice the headline:
Hilary Clinton leaves the hospital
Seen walking down stairs and entering van
And with that, I left for the day, knowing that I could sleep well now knowing that Hilary Clinton safely declined the steps and got into a van.
I know, I know, it's tough work living the life I lead, but someone's got to do it, right?
Normally, upon arrival at work at this site in particular, my first duty is to turn on the tvs to a certain national news station. This is very important! If I don't do this, 96% of the employees who walk through the door in the morning won't have anything to roll their eyes at or complain about. Of course, there are always going to be the 4% who can still find something to complain about, regardless of whether or not politcal debates are being broadcast throughout the lobby. Props to you guys!
On this particular day, the biggest news headline was about Hilary Clinton having a blood clot. I'm so glad it was, too, because how else would I have known about the personal health status of the Secretary of State?! This is vital information here, people! I need to know what to write on her Get Well Soon card. And luckily, since there were updates approximately every five minutes, every employee who walked through the door was well informed of the severity, or lackthereof, of Mrs. Clinton's clot. Unfortunately, I only sit at the desk for the first hour and fifteen minutes of my day, so after 9am, I had no idea what was going on inside Hilary's veins.
After that thrilling hour and fifteen minutes, during which I had worked up a thirst and therefore, finished my entire water bottle, I had to go to the bathroom. Now, the bathrooms at this site had just been newly renovated. This was the first time that I had entered them since the facelift. When I opened the door, I was... surprised. It looked exactly the same except for 2 things:
1. The wall paper was different.
2. The stall doors had been moved about a foot closer to the front of the toilets, leaving acres of space in the hallway outside of the stalls.
I'm actually quite thankful for the renovation; it renewed my fitness committment. Because as soon as I walked in the stall, I slid my legs into the cramped space between the sidewall and the toilet and swung the stall door closed, watching in anticipation to see if the door would actually touch the toilet, and I realized that if I don't keep working out and staying slim, I won't be able to use the restroom at work. I literally will not fit in the stall if I get any bigger! I mean seriously, these things are tiny. As I sat on the pot, doing my duty, I measured the distance between my knees and the door... 3 inches!!! I mean, I think this is a lawsuit waiting to happen. How are tall people going to survive the workday?!
And as if that wasn't bad enough already, I looked over my right shoulder and noticed a giant space between the real wall and the stall wall. If someone had been sitting on the throne next to me, there would have been a full moon for each of us! I mean, really?! What's the point of confining us to the fetal position in a stall the size of a mother's womb if we can see each other's cracks through the cracks anyways?! Why not just tear down all the walls and let us spread out as we answer nature's call?
The next step of my day involved going around to all of the printers in the building and making sure they were stocked, cleared of any paper jams, etc. As I was doing this, I couldn't help but notice, as I do every time I do this, that each printer has a tray next to it with a note that reads, "Take your prints. You have until the end of the day." It's very apparent to me that when someone finds a copy on the printer, they place it in that bin and if no one comes to claim it by the end of the day, then it gets thrown away. But then I got to thinking... do they really hire someone to go around and enforce that? I mean, who's really going to go around and check?! Is there really nothing more important to be worrying about than if "lost" papers are "found" by the end of the day? And judging from the piles in the trays, no on does. Looking back at the dates, there are papers in there from months ago. So then I'm thinking, what kind of a company makes empty threats like that? I mean, if you imply that you're going to throw unclaimed papers away at the end of the day, and then you don't, what kind of a message are you sending to your employees? Don't expect your employees to recycle or wash their hands after they use the bathroom
(especially after they've touched every square inch of the stall door trying to maneuver around it), or even to meet their deadlines. 'Cause, heck!... if my papers don't get thrown away at the end of the day, I've got nothing to worry about.
And I've got another beef with the company owners while I'm at it... what kind of people are you hiring. I mean, obviously the purpose to the paper tray is pretty self-explanatory, but apparently not for your employees. Noooooo, you're employees like to shuffle the papers up and flip them around and lay them out on the table in front of the tray as if they are making a mosaic. What kind of a company hires people who don't know how to use a paper tray?! I tell you, I'm really worried about this company.
But anyways, so after that, then I wait for the accountable packages to be delivered. Now, once the pacakges are delivered to me, I write down the tracking information and deliver them to the appropriate person. If someone is out, I store the packages in the cubical next door that also couples as our storage closet. So keep in mind, this is a cubicle... about the size of 2 bathroom stalls... well 3 if you count the ones in our bathroom. So over the past couple of weeks, we've accumulated a lot of packages, it being the Holdiay Season and all and everyone's taking vacation days. So our storage closet Is pretty much jam packed. I mean, if I need to get to something other than the first box, it's a real life 3d puzzle. Seriously, I should get college credit for this stuff.
Well, anyways, on this day, we get 3 32" tvs. So I go to the IT guys and ask them what they want me to do with it... well, the guy who ordered them is out for the day... and they don't have any room to store it on their entire floor the size of Alaska. So where do the boxes end up?! Yup, there's little old me trying to hurl these boxes that are bigger than me up on top of Mt. Everest in our neighboring cubical. So that was fun. I closed the cubicle door as quickly as I could before I was crushed by the avalanche and had to deal with the hassles of filing for workers comp.
Finally, I was going around at the end of the day, turning off all of the ever-so-important tvs, and I couldn't help but notice the headline:
Hilary Clinton leaves the hospital
Seen walking down stairs and entering van
And with that, I left for the day, knowing that I could sleep well now knowing that Hilary Clinton safely declined the steps and got into a van.
I know, I know, it's tough work living the life I lead, but someone's got to do it, right?
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